What $5,800 rents you in SF right now

Welcome to Curbed Comparisons, a regular column exploring what you can rent for a set dollar amount in different neighborhoods. Is one person’s studio is another person’s townhouse? Today’s price: $5,800.

Almost everything can be relative on the rental market, but we’re left wondering about the very fundamental nature of housing when it comes to this two bed, two bath North Beach home billed as a “house-like condo.” What, one wonders, are the house-like qualities a potential renter looks for in such an offering? In this case the landlord promises “the living room and formal dining room lead to a loft-style kitchen and den with twopstory high ceiling and skylight,” and pushes the “sweeping views”—which are so common in some SF neighborhoods as not to merit mention, but in this case the deck running parallel to the Bay Bridge in the distance really is something. The place is $5,800 per month, furnished, and painted in a very warm, flowery palette, but no pets are allowed except for “service or companion animals as defined by law.”

With some other homes you wonder most of all about the things left unsaid. Take the case of this “renovated home [with] four master suites” in the Sunset, a tremendous undertaking with four beds, four and a half baths, and an advertised 2,000 square feet. Per the ad the place is “completely renovated” and “highlighting four master bedrooms with nice finishes, chef’s kitchen with shaker cabinets ,and granite counter-tops with back-splash” and garage parking included. What is not mentioned is that for year this house was a completely nondescript grayish box, but during this renovation it adopted its current highly distinct look, which strongly resembles a large pink eraser. The other distinguishing marks here are the $5,800 per month rent price and, unfortunately, no pets allowed.

Speaking of things going unsaid, over at Millennium Tower they’re still looking for two things: swift implementation of the planned faulty foundations fix, and also apparently some new renters. The listing for this two bed, two bath condo refers to the building as “the renowned luxury condo[s] of San Francisco” and stresses the finishes, including “Quartzite countertop, “German made Rift-swan White Oak cabinets,” “German made Walnut cabinet with Emperador dark marble counter top,” and hardwood and limestone floors, although the effect is more or less muted to actually look at it. No mention about pets here—the building is usually pretty good about that actually—and it’s $5,650 per month.

For a condo with perhaps a little less baggage, the still-new 150 Van Ness building in Hayes Valley hopes to entice renters in with a long list of building amenities. Deep breath: “business center, movie theater, refrigerated grocery delivery, car sharing, rooftop pizza oven, yoga studio, bike kitchen, golf simulator”—yes, golf simulator—”library,” and even “hotel rooms for your out of town guests.” Usually part and parcel of having out of town guests is they’re staying with you, but still, it’s a nice touch. The two bed, two bath condo itself, replete with “maple KemLam flooring,” costs $5,800 per month, and pets are included.

Finally, here’s a “stunning Tudor-style home” in the Westwood Highlands on the unfortunately named Colon Avenue north of CCSF that promises an “elegant single family residence” with “amazing curb appeal.” Actually from the outside this place looks almost quaint, with the real knockout material reserved for the inside, including “formal living room with floor to ceiling bay windows, vaulted ceilings, decorative brick fireplace, period moldings and wood detailing throughout.” According to the San Francisco City Assessor the house dates to 1925, and much of the woodwork seen here is apparently still original. Not original: the asking price, which is $5,800 per month. Cats and dogs both are both welcome for the Tudor treatment here.