What $3,800 rents you in San Francisco right now

Welcome to Curbed Comparisons, a regular column exploring what you can rent for a set dollar amount in different neighborhoods. Is one person’s studio is another person’s townhouse? Today’s price: $3,800.

↑ When this house popped onto the rental market in 2017, the going price was $3,999/month, and we dubbed it a beauty and a half despite the fact that the red and yellow paint scheme gave us pause. Now it’s still searching for renters and the price has dipped to $3,800/month, and has also mysteriously moved from its then-advertised Bayview locale to now being marked as Dogpatch. Hmm. Well, wherever it lies, it’s a three-bed and one-bath package that comes furnished. It also boasts hardwood floors, granite counters, and front and rear yards. Sadly, no pets allowed.

↑ This Marina apartment at the end of Van Ness Avenue offers “beach blanket bliss” to potential renters (presumably one of the titles for Steve Silver’s earlier drafts). The rent-controlled unit is presently under control at $3,695/month. On top of other slight outré promises, it offers the opportunity to “feel like a big fish in a small pond in boutique building,” as well as “original detail from bygone era difficult to duplicate.” Even more difficult to duplicate: The place allows both dogs and cats, albeit it with a $75/month fee that it dubs a “tails of the city” measure. Clever.

↑ Speaking of big dream promises, this Cole Valley apartment entices with the proposition: “Want to feel like royalty? Rent a castle.” Note that, while it’s possible to rent Albion Castle by the hour, in this case the reference is to a building on Twin Peaks Boulevard with crenelations and faux battlements on top. Beyond dreams, what’s actually offered here is a one-bed, one-bath apartment for $3,800/month near Tank Hill with “built-ins and decorative fireplace” in the single bedroom and “spa-like bathroom.” All of your royal pedigree does not extend to dominion over dogs and cats though, or at least the ad does not specify their inclusion in the kingdom.

↑ Actually, royalty might be more likely to set up court somewhere like the fancy-pants Infinity high-rise in South Beach, which has a $3,695/month deal of its own—a junior one-bed, one-bath condo that the ad hopes to present as “the ideal pied-a-terre for the busy professional.” Features here include gray granite countertops, Bosch stainless steel appliances, [and] beautiful hardwood floors in the kitchen, living room, and spacious bedroom alcove.” The junior one bedroom in this case is nudged into an alcove hidden by a sectional pocket door. No word on pets.

↑ In closing, the Excelsior yields the highest volume of home-per-dollar spent with a three-bed, two-bath apartment on Paris Street for $3,800/month, billed as “recently remodeled” (of course). Pets are included for a small (but unspecified) extra fee on top of rent, which will have a small backyard with a putting green-like rectangle of lawn. Delightful.