What $25,000 rents in San Francisco right now

Welcome to Curbed Comparisons, a regular column exploring what you can rent for a set dollar amount in different neighborhoods. Is one person’s studio another person’s townhouse? Today’s price: $25,000.

That’s not a typo: $25,000/month. What kind of renter has that kind of cash to throw around 12 times a year? Evidently one with a taste for garden hot tubs, grand entryways, three different terraces, a solarium, “marble surround fireplace,” three crystal chandeliers, coffered pan walls, and a passel of other features that read like a shopping list for Danielle Steel. Described as a “grand scale, renovated four-level view mansion” on Scott Street in Cow Hollow, this five-bed, four-and-a-half-bath, 6,500-square-foot palace dates to 1912 and sold for $5.1 million in 2012. Note that the bedroom count doesn’t include the “au pair quarters.” Unbelievably, even for $25K per month there are still no pets allowed.

On the other hand, the ad for this Jordan Park house is comparably brief, pitching “views from virtually every room, [...] a large family room, full dining room, high-end kitchen, laundry, and backyard.” Also of note, “the master bedroom also has a whirlpool” on top of two fireplaces, solar power, and the claim that “the house is in excellent shape.” It’s four beds and four baths, 4,800 square feet, comes furnished—a blessing given that it’s a lot of house to fill—and runs $25,000 per month. No word on pets; presumably, willing renters can afford a hefty deposit.

It’s probably best to sit down before considering the proportions of this offering: The ad dubs this Monterey Heights pad as “a huge home in San Francisco,” and for once Craigslist has got the story right down to the letter: At six beds and five and a half baths, this mastodon is over 10,800 square feet from bottom to top, on a half acre lot so big that they refer to it here as an “estate.” Grounds include “courtyard with landscaping and terraced gardens, a children’s magical garden, and maid’s quarters with separate entrance and garage.” There’s also a wine cellar and an elevator, plus a “baronial great room,” which does indeed sound pretty great. It’s $25,000 per month. Once again, this place does not allow pets, either—guess you really can’t buy love.

At least there’s some relief for well-heeled renters who want to bring their pets to heel in Clarendon Heights, as this likewise tremendous house allows both dogs and cats for your $25,000 per month. Billed as an “exquisite, elegant home in the hills beneath Twin Peaks,” it’s seven beds and five and a half baths, with 6,500 square feet and a third-floor street entrance. It also comes with 12-foot ceilings, a theater, skylights, and a spa with a 54-nozzle spread.

Finally, in Pacific Heights—notice how difficult it is to find a rental at this price point that’s outside throwing distance from Pac Heights—this Victorian has been “renovated down to the studs” and comes out the other side asking $25,000 per month, which is the kind of excess that’s positively Victorian in and of itself. Four beds, three and a half baths, four stories, three-car garage, and pets are “negotiable”—although once you’re paying that kind of money what’s left to negotiate?