clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Let's Wildly Speculate What Apple is Doing in Mysterious Sunnyvale Lair

Inquiring minds want to know

The San Jose Mercury News reports that mysterious noises and weird goings-on have piqued the curiosity of neighbors around Apple’s secretive workshop in Sunnyvale, to the point that one woman climbs up on her roof in hopes of spying on whatever’s going on behind the 12-foot sheet metal fence the company erected around its property.

Here's what has grabbed the neighborhood's attention: In addition to traffic noises from trucks coming in and out at all hours, there are also strange thumps and banging in the dead of night, a mysterious "whine or hum that rises in pitch," and a sound like someone "waving around a large piece of sheet metal," writes SJMN reporter Ethan Baron.

It gets better: Furtive on-site security persistently shoos away anyone who creeps too close to the fence; which is perfectly normal, except that in this case, security apparently travels in anonymous white Prius cars that supposedly follow you through the neighborhood, and guards are careful to use clipboards to cover logos on their shirtfronts.

So what’s going on in there? The SJMN guesses Apple is building some kind of car, presumably of the electric, self-driving (self-aware?) type. But we’ll float a few alternative explanations:

1. Constructing Tim Cook’s personal Batcave.

2. Building a secure facility to hold Michael Fassbender and "give him time to think" about whether he ever, ever wants to agree to another Steve Jobs movie.

3. Individually destroying every leftover Newton to make sure the world never remembers.

4. Just weirdly reenacting that ’84 Super Bowl ad over and over again.

5. Perfecting time travel, so they can go back and stop the Pippin from ever happening.

6. Robot factory, so Siri can finally be a real woman.

7. Aliens, of course.

Got a theory of your own? Leave a comment.