This 5-bed, 3-bath disaster area in Bayview came in to being back in 1963, but was "recently updated" to bring it up to about the 1970s or the late-80s, depending on which room you happen to be standing in. The master suite, for example, appears to still be on red alert (for love, that is). Just look at the intimidating and room-swallowing Victorian-style circular bed! Not only is it dressed in crushed velvet sheets, but it's also lit by the gentle flicker of the rococo chandelier overhead and some soft sunlight filtering through the dark red drapes. By our count, that room alone contains at least four acts of treason and we haven't even moved on to the radioactive-green bathroom yet.
On the other hand, the peaceful white living room with its blue-green carpet might be inoffensive - if this were the house your Grandmother raised her kids in - but we can only assume the flatscreen TV (the only modern comfort in the place) doesn't get a signal or the inhabitants would have realized it was safe to step out into the sunlight by now. The listing agent nailed it on the dining room though, conservatively describing it as "separate" rather than "formal" - which would have been far too generous for those all-over upholstered chairs.
Meanwhile, the two-car garage probably makes for some handy storage of non-perishable food items, but the place is only two stories so someone is probably sleeping dangerously close to potential carbon monoxide poisoning. On the bright side: with the asking price chopped down to $499,000 back in June and 2,422 total square feet, it works out to $206 per square foot so you can probably still afford to hire a family to look sad on your Extreme Home Makeover application video. Mr. Pennington, tear down some walls!
· 1482 Van Dyke Ave [Redfin]