The San Francisco Chronicle, which still exists, posted a mortifying neighborhood-apparel guide this weekend, unilaterally codifying the dress codes of some of the more widely-recognized of SF's pockets. We can just imagine the bulk of the Chron's readership nodding with interest; while across the bay, the actual residents of the neighborhoods can only gasp.
We're not saying that these classifications have no basis in fact, or that we ourselves do not fall into at least one of them; after all, every human wears a uniform of one kind of another. But there's no pleasure in this obedient catalog, this confusion of tongues. Somehow, an endeavor that should have been celebratory, should have recognized and applauded what makes each neighborhood special, came out like a sneer.
Allow us to summarize:
- Pacific Heights: Single women who wish they were moms
- Marina: Moms who wish they were single
- Upper Haight: Dumb slobs
- Lower Haight: Dirty men and aspiring women
- La Playa: Façades of college students. Also, this is not actually a place.
- Chinatown: Gross
- The Castro: Fagsluts
- Dogpatch: Hey kids, am I a "hipster"? Do you kids even say "hipster" anymore? Do you say "cool"? What if I wear this flannel, is this "hip"?
- The Mission: Manchildren
- Bayview: The Blacks
The article does not mention the Western Addition or Japantown or SOMA, because they already went over how ethnics dress.