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Ask Curbed SF: Where to Live, Yuppie- and Hipster-Free

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In need of guidance, oh wayward one? Turn to the oracle that is the Ask Curbed SF inbox. We'll burden the masses with your problems, and they, our all-knowing readers, will command thee.

At the end of a storm of commentary over American Apparel, a visitor from Chicago has eyebrows raised at our antics:
man, i was planning on taking a look at the mission because i have to move to san fran from chicago. i've never liked living around yuppies, ever, although some may say i am in denial, but after reading these posts it sounds like you all have more bullshit self righteousness than bucktown, wicker park, or pilsen (chicago) combined. well, anyone recommend another area that isnt frat boys and irish bars or so self righteous? Ive lived hyde park chicago for past 5 years, but i cant do oakland when i move. desperate Desperate's plea elicits a response from a suddenly familiar, if strangely unsarcastic, commenter:
You're thinking of leaving Chicago to move here? You hate "yuppies?" With all due respect, you're f-ing inSANE. This place is in total decline, decent productive people are fleeing in record numbers and the ideals that originally made SF great have morphed out into an ugly residue of hateful, close-minded banality. This is where the "dumb ones" come because they heard the "cool ones" were here back in the day. It's ridiculously expensive, yet filthy, crowded and heavily overtaxed.
Yes! Welcome! All that aside, however, we assume Desperate would still like to know where to live. No yuppies, and presumably no hipsters either. Experts, where should our young friend move?